And that’s why you can be away from them and still feel their energy, hear their voice, feel their criticism, and feel their contempt—because your body learned the pattern. And patterns don’t dissolve just because you intellectually understand them. They dissolve when you create safety and consistency over time.
This is where most high-functioning women can be so hard on themselves. They say, “Why can’t I just calm down?” But the thing is: you’re not failing—you’re healing. And healing is nervous system work, not just mindset work.
Now, here’s the fourth theft: Narcissistic abuse steals your voice. This one is devastating because it’s quiet. It doesn’t always look like you lost your voice. Sometimes you’re still very articulate. I know I was. Sometimes you’re still very intelligent. I know I was. Sometimes you’re still very high-functioning, but you stop saying the thing.
You stop naming the pattern. You stop confronting the lie. You stop expressing needs. You stop setting boundaries. You stop telling the truth about what’s happening—or what has happened—even to yourself—because somewhere along the line, your system learned it’s not safe. It’s not worth it. And I’ll pay for it.
So you become an emotionally edited version of yourself. You become quieter and smaller just to survive the relationship.
And if you’re hearing that and your chest tightens, or you feel sadness or anger—good. That means your true self is still in there. That means the part of you that knows the truth is still alive.
Which brings me to the next theft: Narcissistic abuse steals your confidence—especially when it comes to decision-making. So many women say to me, “I don’t trust myself to choose. I don’t trust myself to leave. I don’t trust myself to stay. I don’t trust myself to start over. I don’t trust myself with money. I certainly don’t trust myself with dating. And I don’t trust my own judgment or my own perception.”
And when you don’t trust yourself, every single decision feels like a threat. You become terrified of making a mistake. You become terrified of upsetting someone. You become terrified of choosing wrong.
So you freeze, or you stay too long, or you leave—and then you spiral because your internal authority has been undermined.
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