If you try and analyze or relate to a narcissist as you would any other normal person, you’re going to be in for trouble. Narcissists are not normal people, and understanding that is usually pretty difficult for highly empathetic people, as most targets and victims of narcissistic abuse will be. To make things even more difficult is the fact that most narcissists are such proficient liars, and they have such an incredible ability to manipulate empathy and compassion. They are masters at downplaying their behavior and rationalizing their behavior in such a manner that it confuses us and makes us pity them.
Here are my top ten things not to ever do with a narcissist.
Do not minimize their dysfunctional behavior.
When you’re in love with someone—or you know when you think you’re in love with someone—especially when you are in a relationship with a narcissist, it will be appealing to want to downplay their abusive behaviors. We make all kinds of excuses for how selfish and cruel they are because it makes us feel better and makes us feel like what they are doing is somehow not as bad as it actually is. We will be inclined to tell ourselves all kinds of things to try and minimize the abuse. Like, “He or she didn’t really mean it.” Or, “They said it.” Or, “It sounds worse than it actually is.” One of my all-time favorites was, “Oh well, his bark is worse than his bite.” We might tell ourselves that he or she only raged because they’re under so much stress from work, or, “Had X, Y, and Z not happened, he or she wouldn’t have reacted that way.” There are just a million different ways that we can do this. We can minimize their dysfunctional behavior, and over time victims usually become fatigued and numb about the abuse because it happens so often that we just have gotten used to it, and that is very dangerous territory. It’s important that you’re truthful with yourself about the abuse. If you continue to make excuses or downplay the dysfunction, not only will the narcissist’s behavior become more frequent and more intense, but it literally starts to fog your own cognitive abilities. When you tell yourself something long enough, you come to believe it—or at the very least accept it. It leads to living in denial. You can eventually become a contributing participant in the delusion that they’ve created. There is not anything okay about manipulating, deceiving, and humiliating other people. It is wrong, and it’s really important that you understand that it’s wrong.
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