Let’s pause on that: is it okay for you to have independent thoughts? The answer is yes—of course each of us is distinct. But they can say something like, “You just have to do things your way, don’t you?” It’s like, “Yeah. That’s called me being me. Or where did you learn to think like that?”
Or, “I guess you don’t have any use for anybody else’s thoughts now, do you?” When you say, “I have my own preference,” “I have my own style,” or “I like to do things my own way,” somehow they interpret that as you leaving them behind—considering them insignificant.
When in fact, all you’re trying to do is say, “No, it’s just me being me.” But you’ll be shamed for something like that, with the hope that you’ll eventually stop and go along with their program and quit being the problem. That’s the way they operate.
Or a fourth tactic or trick: they try to make you feel responsible for their moods. You are responsible for their moods.
For example, let’s suppose they are feeling agitated or irritable, or they are feeling perplexed. Sometimes they say something like, “Do you realize how much trouble you create around here?” Or, “I was having a perfectly good day until you showed up.” Or, “You better believe that I’m upset, and you’re just such an impossible person.”
They have their own moodiness and their own irregularities, and then they turn around and say, “Yeah, it’s all your fault.” Of course, if you accept that—“Well, I didn’t mean that”—they’ve got you going again. That’s part of their gain.
Or a fifth way they can trick you into looking like you’re the problem is that they may actually offer lame excuses. For example, let’s suppose they made a mistake. Or they realize they were pretty moody or pretty erratic. They may say something like, “Yeah, I’ve been under a lot of stress lately,” or, “I didn’t have a good night of sleep,” or, “I was waiting for this person to finish, and they didn’t come through.”
Then they blame you for whatever reactions you have. For example, they may say, “Yeah, I’ve been working on this project for such a long time, and I know I’m kind of raw—but you’re so difficult whenever these kinds of things come along.” They’ll judge you for not understanding them.
They may say, “You didn’t make matters any better, because you certainly weren’t available when I needed your help.” So now, rather than them just saying, “Yes, I have a problem,” and accepting responsibility—along with their excuse comes that one pivotal word: “But…” “But yeah, I don’t have a problem—but you…”
And so they make it all your fault.
Or a sixth trick that they use to make you look problematic is that they’ll actually try to intimidate you when you try to have boundaries.
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