Now, let’s suppose you have something that brings out differences of opinions or a conflict about where you’re going with a certain project. Preferences, needs, or opinions are expressed—okay, okay so far so good. We do need to put our thoughts and feelings out along with those subjects. But then as you share your thoughts, feelings, needs, and preferences, here come the criticisms.
Rather than the narcissist saying, “Let me think this thing through and let’s understand why you feel as you do,” what they do is invalidate. They tell you you don’t know what you’re talking about, and then they start becoming argumentative. And then you bite—meaning you start arguing right back. You tell them how difficult they’re being, and you talk about how they don’t understand.
Meanwhile, they have that real satisfied feeling that says, “Got you going. Look how dysregulated you are right now.” “How in the world am I going to interact with somebody who’s as problematic as you?” That’s one of their favorite tricks.
The more you argue with them, the more it proves in their mind that you’re unstable. It’s one of their favorite tricks.
Or a second trick they use to make you look like a problem is that they insist that you really do have to justify yourself.
Your feelings, your actions, your interpretations. For example, let’s say you’re talking about whether it’s a project, an opinion, a preference you have, a feeling you have, or an impression you have. It’s like, “Why do you feel that way? Where did you come up with that? Who would think in such a way? What are you hoping to accomplish?”
Before you know it, you’re going into this high-justification mode. And yeah, I’m one of these people that says, “I’ll explain myself once.” But the narcissist, as you explain yourself, is like, “Keep explaining. Keep telling me that because that’s not adequate enough.”
The more you go into your justification and rationalization, they’re constantly trying to figure out how to poke holes in whatever it is you’re saying. The deeper you go, it’s like, “See—every time you say something, it doesn’t make any sense.”
And you have to stop and ask yourself: “Do I really have to justify myself that strongly, particularly when I’m with somebody who isn’t paying much attention to what I’m saying anyway?”
A third tactic they like to use is that they’ll try to shame you for your independent thinking.
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