Number five—the most revealing one:
What are some of your biggest hurts and pains?
Everybody has some. A person can’t grow without any traumas—without anything that hurt them, or something they still carry. They might say, “That still hurts,” or “That hurt me in the past,” and so on. They may have moved on, but it still affected them.
However, if you ask this question to a narcissist, they’ll say, “Oh, there’s nothing I’m above that. I’m omnipotent. I’m extremely powerful. Godlike. Nothing can ever hurt me.”
Come on—what are you talking about?
“You experienced abuse. Your parents tortured you physically or mentally, or in other ways. What about that?”
“Oh, that was nothing. I’ve just moved on from that. It never impacted me. I was always different. I was always better than that. And they weren’t that bad.”
“I understand why they did it.”
So there’s nothing to talk about—everything is fine.
But in reality, narcissists are nothing but damaged products of destructive parenting. They will never acknowledge that their childhood was the problem, because then they would have to take responsibility for their current actions.
They’d have to admit things like: “I see that this triggered me. It wasn’t some criticism I received—it was because I’m insecure.” They’d have to say, “I’m weak. I need some work.”
They will never acknowledge it. The whole narrative—“I am best, I am the saint, you’re the crazy one”—will be shattered.
On what basis will they argue then, if the origin of the problem becomes clear, and the origin is them?
That’s why they’ll never ever be able to answer this question.
At the same time, it’s important to acknowledge that there are some narcissists who do talk about their childhood trauma. They’ll say, “Yes, this happened and that happened.” Those narcissists tend to weaponize it.
Those types of narcissists are typically covert or vulnerable in their nature. They like to be seen as the eternal victim—the ultimate martyr—the one who has sacrificed at all. They want everybody to cry for them, but they take zero steps to better their situation.
They don’t do anything about it. They’re not interested.
If you push them to take some steps—like going to therapy individually—or if you ask them to acknowledge: “Yes, this is my trauma pattern,” or “This is the list of sabotaging behaviors,”—they won’t ever do that.
Instead, they’ll blame you for abusing them. They’ll blame you for pushing them. They’ll blame you for being controlling. And you know how the story goes.
So don’t confuse yourself if you’re with someone—or have been with someone—who talks about their trauma and psychoanalyzes a lot. It’s nothing but yet another tactic to abuse people.
So that was the last question—the fifth one.
Let me know which one of these do you personally think a narcissist won’t be able to answer at all. Drop your answers in the comments below.
And with that, let’s bring this episode to an end. Thank you so much for tuning in today. I look forward to talking to you in the next one.
Until then, as always: let the healing begin.
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