When the Narcissist Pushes You Until You Break

And this is where enormous shame often enters the picture, because survivors start judging themselves solely based on who they’ve become during the abuse instead of recognizing what prolonged abuse was doing to their nervous system—psychologically and physiologically. They start viewing themselves through the lens of their worst reactions instead of through the lens of the environment that produced those reactions.

Narcissists absolutely exploit that shame, because the more ashamed you become of your reactions, the easier you are to control. If they can convince you that you are equally responsible for the abuse, then your focus shifts away from protecting yourself and toward trying to prove that you’re a good person. And many survivors spend years trapped in exactly that cycle.

One of the most heartbreaking aspects of reactive abuse is that many survivors tried desperately to avoid reacting for a very, very long time. They tried communicating calmly. They tried reasoning. They tried being patient. They tried explaining their feelings respectfully. They tried walking away from arguments. They tried giving the narcissist the benefit of the doubt over and over and over again.

And many survivors become emotionally exhausted from trying to fix their relationship peacefully. They spend years trying to communicate healthier, love harder, become more patient, explain themselves more clearly, and suppress their own emotional pain just to avoid conflict. And eventually, they reach a place where they are psychologically depleted, because no amount of healthy communication can stabilize a relationship built on manipulation and control.

But eventually, there comes a breaking point. Eventually, the constant emotional pressure, invalidation, confusion, betrayal, criticism, and psychological destabilization overwhelms the nervous system. And when that final snap finally happens, survivors often judge themselves without mercy while completely minimizing everything that led up to it.

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