And many survivors become so focused on their reaction that they completely lose sight of the fact that their reaction occurred inside prolonged abuse. And the shame after reactive abuse can become overwhelming. Survivors will sit there replaying arguments over and over in their heads, analyzing every word they said, every emotional reaction they had, every text message they sent. They become consumed with trying to prove that they themselves are not an abusive person.
And meanwhile, the narcissist is usually focused on something completely different. They are focused on how to weaponize your reaction, how to retell the story, how to make themselves look like the victim, and how to remove all context from the situation entirely—or manipulate it into a narrative that is completely untrue.
One of the biggest misconceptions about reactive abuse is that people think it means mutual abuse. It does not. And this distinction is incredibly important. Reactive abuse is not two equally abusive people harming each other. Reactive abuse occurs when one person is subjected to ongoing emotional and psychological abuse until eventually their nervous system becomes completely overwhelmed and they react emotionally to the abuse they’re enduring. And narcissists are incredibly skilled at creating these setups. They know exactly how to provoke reactions in you while maintaining plausible deniability. They know how to poke at your insecurities. They know how to withhold affection. They know how to provoke jealousy, invalidate your feelings, twist your words, deny obvious realities, and subtly antagonize you until eventually you reach an emotional overload.
And then the moment you finally react, suddenly your reaction becomes the entire story. And many narcissists intentionally study your emotional triggers over time. They learn what hurts you. They learn what creates insecurity in you. They learn what topics provoke emotional reactions. And eventually they begin using those things strategically during conflicts. Survivors often do not realize this is happening until much, much later, because it feels so personal and emotionally targeted.
And that’s because it is. Narcissists frequently weaponize your vulnerabilities against you while simultaneously pretending they have no idea why you are becoming so emotionally reactive.`
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