Not only in romantic relationships, but with my own family of origin. I grew up not knowing who I was or what was real because of the inverted reality I had been raised in while experiencing all manner of emotional and psychological abuse into my 30s. It didn’t actually end until I was 40.
And if you can relate to this, take a deep breath because none of this has anything to do with your character flaws. Losing our sense of self is a trauma response. And that’s the second theft: narcissistic abuse steals your identity.
This one hits home for women over 40 in a very specific way because you’re at a stage of life where you should be coming home to yourself. You’re evolving. You’re becoming more discerning. Maybe you’re leaving a marriage. Maybe you’re an empty nester. Maybe you’re reevaluating old friendships, dysfunctional family dynamics, or your career.
And instead of feeling like you’re stepping into your next chapter, you feel like you’re standing in a pile of rubble asking yourself, “Who am I now?”
And I want you to understand something: In narcissistic abuse, your personality often becomes adaptive. You don’t just change—you learn to shapeshift. You become who you need to be to keep the peace and avoid punishment. You become who you need to be to avoid the silent treatment or rage, contempt, criticism, and abandonment.
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