If you dissect the psyche of a narcissist, you may discover something truly shocking. They are often shallow, self-centered, and emotionally stunted. You also may not be able to call them “children,” because a child has far more emotional maturity than a narcissist.
Why does this happen? They are driven by unhealed impulses and a desperate obsession with control and domination. Because of that, making a narcissist lose has little to do with fighting them. It also has little to do with going no contact or staying silent. In some very dangerous situations, doing nothing and going strict no contact can backfire.
If you completely let go this way, it can bruise their fragile ego so badly that they may become dangerously focused on breaking your boundaries. That’s why it can help to share a special way to respond that doesn’t rely on brute force or drag you into a cutthroat argument. You flip the script by exploiting their greatest weakness against them.
You may be wondering what that is—how to do it. Here’s the approach: feigned defeat. The strategy is to make them believe they have won and you have lost. You intentionally hand them a fake trophy so they put down their “weapons” and step away from the battlefield. You create the illusion of total victory so you can win the real war in secret.
To explain how powerful this strategy can be, here is a real scenario. I worked with someone who was trapped in an ongoing nightmare with a narcissist. The narcissist was completely obsessed with them and would not leave them alone for a single day. They kept showing up, sending endless messages, checking in through mutual contacts, and deliberately sabotaging steps the person tried to take to move forward—including involving family. It was suffocating, and blocking or ignoring didn’t stop it. A more solid plan was needed.
One key question helped reveal the path forward: what did the narcissist desire from them more than anything else? What did the narcissist want to see happen to them? After thinking for a moment, the person said the narcissist couldn’t stand seeing them move forward. They wanted the person to suffer. They wanted them to look haggarded, depressed, and exhausted. They wanted them stuck, obsessed with what the narcissist was doing—who they were seeing, and how they were living.
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