I’ve talked to so many people in the aftermath of having been with a narcissist saying, “Man, I don’t even like the person I was with that individual.” That’s what they’re trying to do.
See, let’s keep in mind: all of these employees—people I’m talking with you about—this is their form of gaslighting. It’s basically their way of trying to say, “The more indecisive I can make you, the more I can strip your confidence—then somehow that makes me a better person.”
But ultimately, I’m hoping you can see that the reason narcissists use these types of tactics and tricks on you is they have to have an adversary. They have to have an adversary.
I want you to think about what it means when somebody has to have an adversary. Basically, what it tells me is these are people who are adversarial within themselves. They are adversarial within themselves—they have all sorts of strains, tensions, and conflicts that they themselves have not come to terms with. So they project their problems onto you.
Every time they say something like, “You’re stupid,” or “You’re worthless,” or “You’re a contrarian,” they’re actually giving a backwards confession about who they are. It’s these are the things that they fear—that their projections are onto you.
So I’m hoping that you can become very aware of some of the common tricks and tactics narcissists try to use to make you look like you’re the problem. And it really underscores why it’s so necessary for you to say, “You know what? I need to have my own sense of self—self-esteem, and my dignity, my respect, my civility intact.” Because you know now that the narcissist is going to try to disrupt that.
Then, when they come at you with these tricks of theirs, I’m hoping you can see it in advance and know: “This is time for me to go bland.” I’m not going to go in there and play the game with them. It’s called gray rock. I’m pulling back. I’m giving myself permission to be me. And if they don’t understand me, they didn’t want to understand me in the first place.
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