At night—or some other time—they would reach out and have a witty, fun-filled conversation. They would have a heartfelt conversation with you. You would feel connected. You would feel seen.
They do this especially near the devaluation stage, when this kindness is given as a “bread crumb.” Maybe they’re in a good mood, or maybe they want something from you, or maybe they’re trying to prevent you from leaving.
There’s some kind of ulterior motive you can’t see. The conversation feels witty, fun, connected—like it’s heartfelt—but it’s not. Ultimately, it is just another tool. It’s one of those unique experiences you get where you feel fulfilled, and then they deprive you of it again.
And this kind of conversation either doesn’t happen again throughout the relationship, or it happens after a very, very long time—when they want something from you and they know you won’t get it easily.
What it does to you is it reinforces trauma bonding. It makes you keep coming back, craving the same intensity you felt once in that conversation. It increases your cognitive dissonance, and you start asking questions like:
“Maybe he’s not that bad.”
“Maybe she’s not that narcissistic.”
“Why else would he or she have such a heartfelt conversation with me… through text?”
They don’t see you at all. It’s just about how they feel and what they want once they get it.
Number Five (and the last one)
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