Most people think narcissists just get angry when you leave, but what actually happens is far more calculated and far more revealing. Their spiral can expose things you never saw coming. I’m going to show you exactly what that looks like, how much you still matter, and what they’re likely to do next so you can protect yourself.
What can you expect when a narcissist realizes you are never coming back? A few things, actually—first among them is that their desire for you will likely spike.
Narcissists always want what they can’t have. If it’s out of reach, their desire only increases. Why? Because the forbidden-fruit effect is real. To some degree it’s human nature to want something more when it’s off-limits or harder to obtain. But because of the gaping hole in their soul, people with a destructive narcissistic personality pattern take that effect to another level.
Narcissists also spend a lot of time in fantasy—sometimes to the point of delusion—especially about themselves, their worth, gifts, and talents. That’s why they so often show up with an attitude of superiority and a shocking sense of entitlement. Once they realize you’re gone for real and they have to face the void left by your absence, believe me: they will feel that void in a big way. In that void they long for the one that got away—sometimes obsessively.
The truth is narcissists don’t go after riffraff. If a destructive narcissist pursued you for anything more than a one-night stand, it’s because you bring a lot to the relationship. At minimum, in their mind you make them look good. That’s true in any relationship with a narcissist—not just romantic ones.
Once the narcissist realizes this separation isn’t temporary and you’re not coming back, their spiral will center on very specific losses: loss of control, loss of a reliable source of supply, the threat of exposure, and serious narcissistic injury. Their ego takes a big hit. The spiral can look intense, dramatic, or strangely subtle. It won’t always be loud—it can look chaotic, calculated, like reinvention, or like indifference. But underneath, it’s all the same: they are unraveling because they can no longer regulate themselves through direct access to you.
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