They typically alternate between affection and extreme anger or withdrawal to keep family members on edge, which makes them more compliant with their wishes. Another way they use emotional instability to control family members is through threats of abandonment, making threats of divorce, or leaving the family. This is yet another manipulation tactic they employ to get their way. Guilt-tripping family members is another of their favorite control tactics, where they oscillate between intense affection and cold detachment to make family members feel guilty for real or imagined wrongdoings. Emotional blackmail is another tactic they frequently use, where the narcissist might threaten to self-harm or pretend to have some emotional breakdown to compel their family to comply with their wishes.
This extreme emotional instability puts immense pressure on the family, conditioning them to do whatever they can daily to prevent these outbursts. Yet, people who only know their public persona have no clue who this person really is. Another fact most people would be shocked to learn about this narcissist is that they are famous for utilizing scapegoating and blame-shifting to manipulate and control those in their lives. Publicly, these covert narcissists appear to be reasonable problem solvers, but behind closed doors, they are anything but that. Like all narcissists, they always want to escape any accountability or responsibility for anything negative without wanting to modify their behavior to prevent abusive actions.
Instead, they unfairly blame and scapegoat specific family members as the responsible party, diverting attention from the fact that they are the actual culprits. They frequently set unrealistic expectations for specific family members, demanding perfection and unattainable goals. When the family member fails to meet these absurd expectations, the narcissist blames and ridicules them for these perceived shortcomings. They even project their own flaws and mistakes onto the scapegoated family member, accusing them of having the same issues they themselves struggle with, effectively shifting the blame.
Another common control tactic of the covert narcissist that most people never witness is their use of isolation. In public, they appear welcoming, friendly, and sociable, but behind closed doors, they work hard to keep their targets isolated from their support systems. They do this because they know that by limiting outside influences and support, they can maintain a tighter grip on their victims. For example, if someone is in a romantic relationship with a covert narcissist, they may start planting seeds that their family and friends are untrustworthy, disloyal, or just bad people they shouldn’t be around.
Another way they isolate their victims is by undermining their confidence. They gradually erode the victim’s self-esteem by criticizing their abilities, appearance, and worth, which in turn makes the victim more dependent on the narcissist for validation and approval, which is their ultimate goal. They also isolate their victims by discouraging their interests and hobbies, actively trying to reduce opportunities for engagement with people who share similar interests. However, in public, they behave completely opposite, portraying themselves as fully supportive of their partner and encouraging them to pursue their dreams.
Finally, covert narcissists love to portray themselves as people with the highest ethics and values. It’s not uncommon for these individuals to be regular Sunday attendees at church within their communities. Most attempt to present an image of being highly devoted to their marriage, engaged in raising their children, and being hands-on parents who simply adore their family. They aim to convey that they are the most loving and devoted family man or woman, always putting their family’s and children’s needs first. But at home, when they’re locked away from the eyes of the outside world, their behavior is completely different.
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