For example, they may use secrets one of their children told them in confidence as a means of manipulation and control or leverage the past mistakes of their spouse to throw in their face when they want to win an argument, trying to instill guilt and shame as part of the devaluation cycle and keep them in a constant state of self-blame. This makes the victim feel indebted to the narcissist. They might exploit a coworker’s fears and phobias about their work performance to get them to comply with their wishes or even exploit someone’s financial vulnerabilities by controlling their access to money and resources as a form of leverage or by threatening to withdraw financial support completely from someone dependent on them to gain compliance.
None of these abusive manipulation tactics are foreign to the covert narcissist as they strive to dominate and control others. However, this is in direct contrast to how they behave in public and the image they present to the outside world. Most people who do not know the narcissist behind closed doors wouldn’t believe this is actually how they operate when they think no one is watching. Another example of the drastic contrast between a covert narcissist’s public life and private life is their use of selective targeting. Publicly, this narcissist presents a facade of complete fairness and equality. They model behavior that seems to treat everyone fairly—friends, children, extended family members, everyone.
However, in the unfortunate event that you unknowingly produce a narcissistic injury in them, then you better watch out. No one holds a grudge like a covert narcissist, and if you upset them, like all narcissists, they will seek some form of revenge. This is where their selective targeting of someone they are displeased with becomes activated. This could manifest as spreading nasty rumors about the person they are angry with, which could be real information this person confided in them or just complete lies. Most times, they present this information to the people they are trying to influence as concern based on love, when nothing could be further from the truth. They will smear their targets in this way to avoid giving their cover away, seeming as if they are just worried about someone they care deeply about, rather than being cruel and manipulative.
Another way this could present itself is through sabotaging important opportunities for this person—for example, undermining their chances of a promotion or destroying a work project or presentation. Sometimes, this manifests as social isolation, where they work behind the scenes to turn the individual’s family, friends, or colleagues against them—a favorite tactic of the covert narcissist. In the context of a romantic relationship, they may suddenly start withholding love, affection, intimacy, or emotional support from their partner until they comply with whatever the narcissist wants. Unfortunately, covert narcissists have a supernatural commitment to their agendas, so this type of manipulative behavior could go on for days, weeks, months, or even years in extreme cases.
Another very common emotional instability discrepancy between a covert narcissist’s public image and their behavior behind closed doors is their emotional instability and mood swings, which they use to get what they want. In public and in front of the people in their community, the narcissist is perceived as exemplary and stable. All they have seen is the narcissist responding to various situations with incredible composure. It’s not uncommon for people to believe the narcissist acts with impeccable grace and class; they seem as calm and steady as anyone could be in public. However, in private and behind closed doors, they live on an emotional roller coaster and subject everyone in their household to massive mood swings and emotional outbursts when they feel safe and away from those they deem important.
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