So, half of the boundary battle is keeping the bad guy out; the other half is keeping the good guy—yourself—inside. This was the most difficult and crucial aspect of boundaries for me to learn. I learned how to keep the bad guys out, but keeping myself inside was the hardest lesson. If you’re anything like me, you’re overly generous, you over-deliver, and you’re a giver. You like to serve; you’re kind, compassionate, and too willing to take on someone else’s burden.
You’re willing to justify their mistakes. You might look at their childhood and make excuses, chalking it up to someone who was hurt rather than someone who is actually trying to hurt you. What you’re doing is equivalent to stepping out into your front yard. Imagine the narcissist is outside your front door, and through manipulation, guilt tactics, calling you selfish, playing on your pity, acting like the victim, and blaming you for their pain, you walk out the door to talk to them, to reason with them, to explain, to allay your guilt, to prove that you’re not selfish. Guess what? You’re no longer inside your house; you’re outside yourself, and the narcissist has gotten exactly what they want.
Narcissists are experts at drawing you out and getting you to overextend. They do this because they sense that you’re a giver, someone empathetic and responsible. So, the key to boundaries is containment—keeping yourself inside, keeping your resources intact. The phrases narcissists hate the most are those that force them to stay outside your house while helping you stay protected inside.
Now that you understand the importance of protecting your boundaries, here are seven phrases that will help you keep them intact. No matter who you’re dealing with, clear communication about who you are, what you want, how you operate, and how you feel will keep the bad guys out and keep you in.
This brings us to our number one phrase that narcissists hate—it’s one magic word. Phrase number one is “no.” In real life, this can be a simple shake of the head with no words. You could say the word “no” out loud, or you could use a polite “no, thank you.” Narcissists hate this phrase because it directly denies them control and reminds them that they don’t have access to your time, attention, or energy.
To set boundaries around your attention, use phrase number two: “I’m not available for that.” In real life, this can sound like, “I’m not available to stay at work late,” or “I’m not available to watch your kids this afternoon,” or “I’m not available to meet up tonight.” “I’m not available for that” is a simple yet powerful way to shut down requests that overstep your boundaries. It’s firm without needing further explanation.
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