First, let’s clarify what that means because a lot of people are confused about this and end up doing the opposite of setting a boundary. Boundaries are not instructions for how someone needs to behave. They are not about telling someone what to do. They are not about trying to change the other person. They are not about explaining your feelings, your thought process, or your rationale.
Boundaries focus on you. They are rules for how you act and where you stand. Boundaries are merely the process of communicating who you are, what works for you, what you want, or what you feel. By definition, boundaries define you as a different self, sending a clear signal that a narcissist cannot affect, dictate, or control you. This conveys loud and clear that the narcissist will not get what they want from you.
However, if you’re watching this video, I’m assuming you have at least one narcissist in your life. So, it’s really important to understand how to communicate and protect your boundaries.
Let’s imagine a house. The walls, windows, and doors give the house shape and form. The form is what defines the home. To protect yourself, you close the windows and doors and stay inside. Similarly, boundaries give shape and form to the self within you. Your boundaries are what keep you inside and keep others outside.
Once you understand how your boundaries protect you, it becomes clear why narcissists target those with weaker defenses. Narcissists are similar to thieves who want to break in, steal everything, kick you out, and then occupy your home. Thieves avoid occupied houses; they look for unlocked doors or open windows—anything that makes entry easy. Just like thieves, narcissists are looking for easy access. They’re watching to see if your boundaries are weak, if the door is left ajar, or if you’re too distracted to notice them slipping in.
They look for someone who doesn’t keep the lights on inside, someone who isn’t fully present, or someone who is uncomfortable protecting their home. If your emotional doors of communication open, they’ll slip in, take what they want, and leave you drained. They’ll try to get through these doors by pushing against three different parts of your perimeter: the three qualities that build self-worth—your attention, your energy, and your respect.
Thus, your boundaries—the house that protects you—must be clear lines around your attention, your energy, and your self-respect. If they can get you to open the door and pay attention to them, they’re inside the house. If you give them your energy—mental, emotional, physical, or financial—you’ve left the doors unlocked. If you allow them to chip away at your self-respect, they are now running the show.
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