Number two: your affectionate bond with your pets. This one is really bizarre if you do not understand their psychology, but it’s one of the most common triggers I hear about. Let’s say you come home from work, and your dog runs to the door, tail wagging, so happy to see you. You drop to your knees, use that baby voice, cuddle the dog, and you’re just beaming with love. If you look up at the narcissist in that moment, you won’t see a smile. You will see disgust, jealousy, and perhaps an eye roll. Quite immaturely, they might say, “You love that dog more than me, don’t you?” Or they’ll get passive-aggressive and say, “Well, the dog made a mess today. Hope you’re happy.” If they are on the phone with you and you start talking to your pet, they may just hang up or go silent. Why? Because they view the animal as a rival. A narcissist views love as a pie; they think there is only a limited amount of love in the world. If you give a big slice of the pie to the dog, that’s a slice you’ve stolen from them. They literally compete with the golden retriever for your attention. It makes them feel abandoned and rejected. They see you giving this creature unconditional love, the kind of love they crave desperately but see you giving freely. It drives them crazy because they cannot manipulate the dog or gaslight the cat. The bond you have with your animal is pure, and they cannot break into it. So, they hate it. They may even mistreat the animal when you are not looking just to punish it for stealing you away.
Laughing with Friends: A Threat to Narcissistic Control
Number three: you laughing on the phone with a friend. Picture this: you are in the kitchen talking to your sister or your best friend on the phone. You’re not talking about the narcissist; you’re just catching up. Suddenly, something funny happens. You throw your head back and let out a loud belly laugh. You are in the moment, connected, and having a blast. The narcissist will almost always interrupt this moment. They will walk into the room and start pacing. They will stare at you and begin making loud noises, slamming doors, slamming cupboards, or turning up the TV. They might even mouth the words, “Who is that? Get off the phone.” When you finally hang up, the interrogation begins: “What was so funny? Why were you laughing so much? You’ve been on the phone for an hour—do you think that’s normal?” This is triggered by something called triangulation, but in reverse. When you’re laughing with someone else, you create a private world that the narcissist is not invited to. You share an inside joke and a bond. This terrifies them—it triggers their paranoia. They think: Are they laughing at me? Are they talking about me? But mostly, it triggers their fear of independence. If you can be that happy without them, then you do not need them. If you have a support system and friends who make you laugh, you’re less likely to tolerate their abuse. They want you isolated; they want to be the only source of emotion in your life. Seeing you laugh with someone else proves that the cage door is open, and that terrifies them.
Expressing Needs in Intimacy: Breaking the Narcissist’s Fantasy
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