This leads to stage number two, the internal war, which will test everything inside her. She now knows the truth, but she is still deeply attached. Her mind sees the reality of his abuse, but her heart still clings to the good memories from their first few months together. Her nervous system is addicted to the wild roller coaster of intense highs and crushing lows. It feels like she is standing in the middle of a massive tug-of-war game: on one side, her logic pulls her toward freedom, while on the other, her trauma bond tugs her right back to him.
She finds herself crying in her car, praying for an easy answer, questioning herself repeatedly. She wonders if she is overreacting or if she is actually the selfish one, just as he always tells her. This stage can feel like breaking down, but what is really happening is separation. Think of someone going to the gym to lift heavy weights; the only way to build stronger muscles is to tear the old muscle fibers down first. God is tearing down her weak boundaries to build her back up. Her identity begins to detach from the roles of the fixer, the savior, and the people pleaser.
The trauma bond fights back with everything it has. The fear of being alone whispers terrible lies in her ear, telling her that no one else will ever want her. At the same time, the narcissist senses she is drifting away; he feels his control slipping, so he increases the pressure. He may start buying her flowers to confuse her or may scream at her to scare her into submission. This is the hardest stage because emotional leaving happens long before physical leaving. God is strengthening her resolve, not her comfort.
Stage Number Three: The Detachment
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