Truth tellers feel this trap and avoid falling into it, which narcissists hate. Narcissists are attracted to people who check outside themselves before they check inside. This doesn’t mean you can’t think for yourself; it means the order is reversed. You take in what they think, feel, or expect first and then adjust yourself around that.
Independent thinkers do the opposite. They start with their own thoughts and feelings and then decide how or if other people fit into that. When you check outside yourself first, your point of view is always shifting. It changes depending on who you’re with or what the situation demands. This means you’re not actually leading with your own perspective; you’re playing defense rather than offense.
You’re reacting to others’ moves instead of making your own. It’s not that you lack opinions or values; it’s that they get rearranged to maintain smooth interactions. This makes you easy for a narcissist to influence. Without a unique point of view, their perspective can feel like the default. Before long, you’re thinking through their lens instead of your own.
That’s why narcissists look for people with a movable point of view: they want to be the center of their own universe and yours. They’re not looking for someone who thinks for themselves; they want someone who thinks around them. Every time you check with them first, you’re reorienting your world around theirs.
When you’re accustomed to watching others first, it’s exhausting. It’s like being wired into the entire room, taking in every tone, glance, and mood shift. Your mind scans for cues: Do they like me? Am I saying this right? What do they need from me? This flood of information points outward, forcing you to translate who you need to become in real-time.
Your thinking space becomes so filled with others that there’s barely any room left for you. Becoming an independent thinker means reversing that process. It’s not about thinking harder; it’s about thinking less and pulling your attention away from the noise around you, checking in with yourself first. What do I believe? What matters to me? What’s right for me here?
This process takes strength and a good understanding of yourself to recognize your own point of view amid the demands to abandon it. The moment you start to lose that point of view is precisely what I wanted to solve, so I built something to help. It’s part of my “Unmanipulatable” five-day training, developed from 25 years of work with clients, classes, and books.
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